The PBS program "In the Know" recently aired a segment about successful long term relationships and their health benefits. The main message was that GOOD relationships prolonged both party's lives making them healthier and happier. Beyond the fairly obvious values of communication, trust, time together and sexual satisfaction, two more elements proved to contribute to happy relationship longevity; developing routine, and doing new and challenging things together.
Being in long term relationships with my husband AND yoga I see some parallels to sustaining them both. We've all heard about the health benefits of yoga but to actualize them we have to have a practice. How do the ideals mentioned in happy long term human relationships apply to a healthy relationship with a yoga practice?
COMMUNICATION: A few key communication skills required for healthy human interaction apply to the yoga practice relationship. Be fully present, set aside all other distractions and give the practice your full attention. The greater the focus of attention the greater the communion will be with another or with Self. Communion of our ' limited nature with unlimited consciousness' is yoga defined and begins with this intentional one pointed focus.
TRUST: The phrase, "I trust you", carries an expectation in relationships. All that we can really trust is that each person will be exactly who they think they are in any given situation. Since the mind fluctuates wildly, identifying with it is a poor predictor of reliability and trust. Yoga, often from the very first class, provides an experience of who we are that is deeper, calmer, and more genuine than the fluctuations of the mind. This experience builds trust in the practice which becomes motivation for exploring the relationship further. Yoga assists in revealing the highest version of ourselves to us and to trust and be true to that.
TIME TOGETHER: The author of an article in a men's magazine entitled, "270 seconds to transform a marriage" suggested that busy couples have at least three 90 second periods of uninterrupted daily face time. He suggested one "session" first thing in the morning, one the last thing at night, and one upon reuniting, whenever you have been apart for more that 2 hours. For 90 seconds there is no other agenda than to be completely present and affectionate with one another. A home yoga practice may begin with as little as 10 minutes of uninterrupted time on the mat each day. Honestly, 10 minutes of yoga, 90 seconds of face time can be transformational when made into a habit. Of course the occasional weekend getaway with the spouse or workshop on the mat to deepen the bond between the two is highly recommended.
ECSTACY AND INTIMACY: A healthy sex life that withstands the tests of time would ideally have the elements of relaxation, a deepening of intimacy, and the experience of ecstasy. A satisfying yoga practice also leaves us relaxed and with a more intimate understanding of ourselves. Compassion develops as our self inflicted patterns of pain and judgement are revealed to us. As we sit with these temporal conscious and subconscious patterns, they are owned and transformed by the love, tenderness and forgiveness we extend to them. When even these states of waking and dreaming are transcended, an ecstatic state of Being shines through.
The yoga master Paramahansa Yogananda says that, "when you can prolong the enjoyment of the 1/2 awake and 1/2 asleep state, then you will know about yoga, the conscious communion of your soul with eternal bliss."
DEVELOPING ROUTINE: Constantly negotiating who is going to do the dishes or the laundry contributes to stress, a relationship killer. At some point in our marriage, we gave up on the ideas of my learning to work on my car and my husband making meal plans and grocery lists. We've developed a distribution of duties along the lines of least resistance for both of us which is equitable and liberating.
Yoga practice can also be stressful if there is an expectation of having to do it all, or create something new every time one steps onto the mat. Setting up a consistent opening and closing routine takes the stress out of getting started and knowing how to end leaves a feeling of satisfaction in body and mind. A relatively consistent practice time will build the "samskara" or groove, into your daily routine that reinforces the habit of practice. One suggestion, if time is a premium, is to have a short vigorous practice in the morning and a restorative practice at the end of the work day or before bed.
CHALLENGE: Doing something new and challenging stimulates the release of dopamine and other endorphins into the brain comparable to those present in the system during the first blush of love. Doing something enjoyably challenging and new with a mate can help " bring back that loving feeling". Challenging ourselves in yoga practice keeps it fresh and engaging. This may mean incorporating a new posture into asana practice or adding a quiet element, pranayama or meditation, to a physically active routine.
One of the last points mentioned in the program was the importance of showing affection. This was a determinent of relationship longevity even when couples had arguments that rated 5 on an anger scale of 1-5. If affection was restored or even utilized to quell an argument, the relationship remained healthy.
Patanjali mentions in the yoga sutras that there inevitably comes a time when one's enthusiasm for practice wanes. Like a veritable midlife crisis, yoga students often doubt their path, start looking for other options or decide to give up yoga all together. It is at these times that Patanjali, like a good relationship counselor, says to redouble your efforts. With faith, vitality, enthusiasm and memory of what is good, the affection for practice will return and take the relationship to greater depths than ever before.
NAMASTE,
Lynne
(If you have a request for a topic or a question regarding yoga please submit to my email lynneminton@gmail.com with BLOG POST in subject line and I will address them in future blogs)
